'Burbs I Belong To: Buffy the Journal Slayer and I Quit.

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2001-01-10 - 00:18:17

Selfish'sel-fish adj: concerned with one's own welfare excessively or without regard for others.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary, Home & Office Edition

Recently I was told that I was a selfish person. A declaration like that would send me reeling at any time of day, but to hear it while the coffee was brewing was devastating.

I didn't know how to reply to that statement when it was made. Nearly a week later, I still don't.

I have been thinking about this just about non-stop. Every action I make, or even think of making is passed at least once through the newly created Selfish-O-Meter in my head. Even though I am hyper-conscious of everything I am thinking/saying/doing, I still have no idea if my actions are being viewed as selfish.

I am beginning to feel a little paranoid about the whole thing. It makes me really uneasy to spend so much time second guessing myself. I think it may be time to tell the voice in my head to give it a rest for awhile. I am sure that it has been good for me to take a more global view of my actions, but I can't afford the time necessary to make sure that each action is PERFECT. That kind of obsessing will suck the humanity right out of me.

Now I am left with trying to find the lesson in all of this. There has to be a lesson - I wouldn't have cried about it every day if there wasn't. Is the lesson to be more aware of how my actions affect others? I am sure that is a part of it. Once I know how the others are affected, then what? What if the course of action that is best for me will be bad for someone else? At what point do you become a doormat? At what point are you a bitch? How do you achieve your goals, and make everyone happy? Is that even possible?

I know this is an issue I will be wrestling with for a while. I don't know what I am going to do. Is this just one tangible sign that I really need to prioritize my life and know what it is I want to do? I think if I knew the answer to a few of the big questions, I wouldn't feel like motives were suspect.

Am I selfish? I don't think that selfishness is one of my overriding personality traits. Do I do selfish things? Yes, and I usually feel bad about it afterward. Am I selfish enough to have felt like a terrible person for a week? Probably not, but I think I am coming out of this funk witha greater appreciation of how my actions, no matter how small, have an affect on the people around me.

Are you ever selfish? Have you ever been called on it? What did you do?

Until Next Time...

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