2002-08-13 - 11:55 p.m.

It has been rough in my world lately, but I am finally beginning to feel better. Cor left me and it took me a little bit of time to realize that I would be able to survive without him. Now I am realizing that his leaving me was the biggest favor he could have done me.

Yes, things are going to be considerably more difficult for me financially now that he is gone, but I can make it all work.

More than anything, his leaving has removed the majority of the stress that had been plaguing me. Within 24 hours of his moving out, all of the knots in my neck, shoulders, and back unkinked and I was able to finally get a decent night's sleep. I no longer need to go to the stress management class or anything. In some ways it is a relief to know that my stress was from a symptom and getting rid of the symptom cured the disease.

With time has come clarity also. We were not well suited to each other. I have drive, I have ambitions, I have goals that I am pursuing, and big dreams that I dream. He really doesn't. That does not make him a bad person, just not the right person for me.

I have decided to respect his privacy and not divulge the minutiae of our break up. I will only say that it was ugly and awful and filled with very poor decision making on his part. All coupled with an impending diagnosis of some sort of chemical imbalance that he is suffering from. Just your basic nightmare.

Things of course are not completely over yet. The majority of his possessions are still in my apartment. Per an agreement we made he will be paying through next month's rent. After that, I will be hard pressed to want to have any of his stuff around.

I need to complete the healing process and the only way that I can do that is to make our space into my space, and that can't happen until his stuff is out.

Also, I agree with him wholeheartedly that any chance of friendship between us can't happen until we are leading totally separate lives. I am still very angry at him. It will take me a considerable amount of time to let go of all of my anger. Distance will help tremendously with that.

I envision us having a very casual friendship. A friendship where we might exchange Christmas cards and have a mild interest in the other's life should our paths cross. A nice cordiality, not much more. More would not be healthy.

Healing is happening, my social life is picking up, and I have a wonderful trip to Turkey coming up in less than a month! The light light at the end of the tunnel is growing brighter and brighter by the minute.

Until Next Time...

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