2002-10-18 - 2:42 a.m.

I've never said anything here about my Grandmother. It isn't because I don't want to, more that I don't have a lot to say. For the last two years she has been in a nursing home. She has been in a state of mental and recently physical deterioration.

Last week my Mom told me that she had had a stroke, but seemed to be ok. Well, she got steadily worse. Tonight (last night at this point), she passed away.

I believe that her passing was a blessing. She had no real quality of life. She was a shell of the woman she used to be, the woman that I remember from my child hood.

The dynamic woman from my girl hood is what I want to remember, not the ill and frail woman that could not remember me.

I am sad. Of course I am sad. But more than anything I am sad for my Mom. She is the one who was closest to my Grandmother. She is the one that had to make all of the decisions about her care. She is the one that did her best to make the last years of my Grandmother's life as comfortable and full of as much quality as possible.

We were never very close, my Grandmother and I. Now that she is gone I feel like I should feel more. That there shouldn't be any feeling of relief. I know that I am not a bad person for feeling relieved that she is no longer in any pain. I know that she has been released.

But, shouldn't there be more than an empty spot inside? Shouldn't I be crying? Shouldn't I be rushing to my parent's house to be with them? Instead of doing anything proactive, I am in the throes of a bout of insomnia.

I don't think I have ever asked my readers for anything before. But, if you could spare a thought for my Mom I would really appreciate it. My heart aches for her and I know that prayers and thoughts headed her direction would alleviate some of her pain.

Thank you.

Until Next Time...

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